May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
