The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The feeling are messing with the penis
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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