from now on my penis is your penis
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
