K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
