..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
