i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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