Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
