While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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