Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
