good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
