relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
