if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
