I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
