just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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