just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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