OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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