i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
this hospital has no fireball
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
