When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
