This is not my ceiling
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
