if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
