Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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