So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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