Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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