just come out here and I will go home with you...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
