I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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