I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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