The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Pants are for mortals
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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