life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
being pregnant is like rehab
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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