Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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