The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
