I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
