just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
