i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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