I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
