Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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