I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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