So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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