I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
P.S. I can't hear my feet
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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