I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
