Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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