Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I woke up under a house in Key West
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
