I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
