Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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