I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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