oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
