I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
