I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
