Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
