Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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