what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
