We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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