Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
