This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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